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Life - 26/01/2021

How was 2020 for you? I believe the previous year had been tough for many, but for me, I'm pretty grateful for everything that has happened.

The pandemic is still raging on as we speak, and Malaysia has entered the third wave of battle with COVID-19. All thanks to the politicians.

Anyway, I'm having a really hard time focusing on my work and other things I should be working on. My mind is always constantly so full of ideas, and yet I never have the energy or the attention span to actually get myself into it.

Anyone who gets very easily distracted? I have no idea why, but I just get consumed into literally anything but the things I'm supposed to do. My mind is like, "Oh, you want to start doing stuff? But your mobile game needs attention, you haven't reached Platinum rank yet, you haven't finish your cross-stitch yet," and it's so damn frustrating.

Guess what pit I've fallen into this time - astrology. Not western astrology, but the more complicated and hard-to-understand Vedic astrology.

As someone from a Chinese family, we are always told to "leave our fates and destinies alone", and we're never encouraged to know more about life calculations or predictions of any kind. And yet, since I was young, I have always been very attracted to any occult knowledge, I was just so curious about all things mystic. But as I grew up, there became less and less time for me to understand more of these 'taboo' topics.

The only occult thing I have by my side right now, is the Tarot. I rely on it's guidance when I feel lost, and it is always able to fill my heart with a little more reassurance and a little more control. And just recently, I got into Vedic astrology, which literally places your life onto a sheet of paper. I believe the best thing about it is that it teaches you that there is no pure black and white in life. There is no true good or true bad, and more often than not, our life is always in a grey area.

No one is perfect, no chart is perfect, there is always a balance of good and bad. Everyone has their own unique karma and path of life, and the Universe will teach you your own unique lesson. Astrology is merely giving you the clarity to understand your life lesson, your flaws, your strengths and how you can take advantage of it.

And trust me, nothing appeals to me more than clarity and knowledge. I'm always the type of person that wants to know more, to learn more. Because I know it gives me control. I want to know more about my life because I would like the clarity in knowing my flaws, and what may possibly happen in the future because of my karma. I believe that this knowledge would help give me a little more direction in life.

Anyway, my most recent procrastination topic aside, nothing much has changed. It's still the same when it comes to my family, it is never peaceful in this house. It's really hard for me to take in all this chaos, especially when I'm the mediator at home.

When my boyfriend is around, he would help out, and things wouldn't get too much out of hand because he neutralizes the fiery situation. He adapts very quickly by learning what both my parents want individually, and then try his best to make the situation as favorable as possible for them both. That's why I'm always glad to have him around.

That leads to another point, he has finally started on his new career in culinary arts. Six long years together, and I've finally gotten to this point of our relationship. It has been really hard for me as someone who looks for practicality and stability in a relationship to endure all the ups and downs. But I know it hasn't been easy for him through these years, he has been through a lot, and our relationship is definitely not perfect in any sense. He has made mistakes that I know I have to learn to forgive.

Through the pandemic, I've been able to spend periods of time both with him, and without him because of the lockdown. It made me realize a lot of things, and it made me much more appreciative of his presence. When he's with me, he always makes sure that I have my meals settled. He cooks for me as often as he could so I wouldn't need to get anxious about my meals, and I would never go hungry with him around.

It just made me realize that I really appreciate having him around me, especially when I get overwhelmed by the atmosphere at home. The chaotic environment causes my anxiety, it's like everything is a ticking time bomb waiting to explode into the next big fight. Having him there to hold my hand is better than having to cry alone.

-insert lewd handholding here- jk

I was so excited to do some new things this year, and yet in a blink of an eye it's already the end of the month. I haven't even set my 2021 goals yet, which is really rare for me. But I was pretty set on trying new things, especially pole dancing, which I have eyed for some time. A part of me is worried that my body won't be able to handle it, you know, being upside down and all. I'm not even sure if I have enough strength in my arms to hold myself up. But I'll never know until I try. With the pandemic and movement control orders going on, it will be some time before I will be able to properly enroll in a class, if ever. So I've been prepping myself with a lot of stretching exercises to work on my flexibility, and hopefully I won't embarrass myself in class ugh.

Oh, and I've gained weight. I'm happy about it, definitely, but I made it a point to try to stay under the 50kg mark because I'm only a little more than five feet. Even so, I'm grateful for the healing, and I'll continue to maintain my health to the best of my capabilities. I'll try my best to work out at least two times a week with my Ringfit on Nintendo Switch! Even so, I've noticed that my stomach is still very sensitive - particularly to overnight leftover food, any cold food/drinks, sour and extremely spicy food. I try my best to steer clear of those. (This is why having a chef boyfriend is advantageous for me)

Work-wise, I have some good news.

I got the increment I was promised previously (you can read about it in my last Journal posting). I'm really happy about it, though it wasn't as high as I wanted it to be, but it was still very satisfactory. Especially since it was the year of the pandemic, where businesses were closing down and people losing their jobs, my increment meant even more to me.

There was a bit of juggling going on, and I had contemplated about changing my job again due to safety concerns. But my boss had personally talked to me and clarified about the situation, and he told me what measures the company will be taking to ensure the staff's safety. As for the result of his efforts, we'll only know how it'll work out after we head back to office after this pandemic.

As it's nearing Chinese New Year, I‘m also surprised to receive a bonus packet from my company. I was even more surprised when it was more than the amount the boss had told me. I'm very appreciative of it, I thank my boss next time I see him. It might seem shallow to some people as in why I have so much expectations when it came to money, but please understand that at this time of my life, I need it to get where I want to be.

And where I want to be, is anywhere but this house. I need to get out of here.

And trust me, I'm a workaholic. I work hard, and I have results to show, which leads again to why I demand so much from my company. And right now, I'm just plain grateful that I got what I want, and of course, I will continue to do my best for the company. Simply because their gesture with the increment, the bonus, and the effort placed into the staff is enough to show me their genuine appreciation.

All in all, I've just been grateful. I'm grateful for my boyfriend, it's such a new-found gratitude after years of enduring his stagnant status. I'm grateful for my company, my boss, my colleagues. I'm grateful to still have this job, to have my health back, to have so much rest while working from home during this pandemic.

I wonder when I'll set my 2021 goals. I really should stop procrastinating.

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